Monday, September 20, 2010

Short and sweet....or sarcastic.

I just got my new phone book...which I will give to my neighbor's kid to take to the recycling club at school...where all of my other phone books go.

I really don't know why we get them anymore. I haven't used one since they took all the phone booths away. I'm a kinda girl. 

Is there a way to opt out of getting them? It seems a shame to recycle them when it wasn't even necessary to lose the tree in the first place. (Some tree hugger is sobbing somewhere right now.)

I'm pretty sure the only people who use phone books are those same people who still write checks at the grocery store. 

*waving to you, Mom!*

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Changing seasons and body images....

Guess what time of year it is?!!!!! 
End of Summer
Football Season
School Time
Diet time. 
*balloons deflate*
Let's just say....Princess has been having a little too much fun this summer. For some reason I cannot go on vacation without eating my way through the town putting on a few pounds. It took me quite some time to realize my fattness weight gain. Wearing comfortable, flowy skirts all summer will do nothing to remind you of your increasing buttocks. 
My boys had their first baseball practice the other night and I threw on a pair of capris before we left because the temperatures had plunged to like freezing 85 degrees at night. 
(All you yankees can shut it. If you don't know that I am a sun bunny and not a snow bunny by now, you must be a newbie.) 
Anyfatty, back to my story.... Those capri pants fit like a glove....alleged OJ's glove. They were T-I-G-H-T. (And not the slang "tight" that means something good. The old meaning of tight that means....well....tight.)
After my revelation, I tried to put my fat hiney under the pillow. But alas, the Skinny Fairy did not show up. At first, I thought maybe she the tooth fairy does on occasion. *ahem* So I did it again. Still...a no show.
At this point, I'm forced to lose the weight the old fashion way....starving diet and exercise. I'm on day three and I miss butter am working through the hunger. I've managed to lose 3 lbs. (I know, I's water weight. Don't rain on my parade!) 
I need some accountability. Since apparently I cannot trust my skirts....
I am going to post a before pic and then when I lose the weight I will post an after pic. 


Ok...real before

After day 2.

Shut up. There is NOT any photoshopping deception involved here. I have no idea what you are talking about. My diet is really working. I am going to publish it and be a GAZILLIONAIRE. 
Don't worry. I will take you all on a fabulous vacation...after we all lose our weight. 
And we will look like this....

Wait...I mean like this....

Who's with me?

Friday, September 10, 2010

New Jersey Nuts

New Jersey has to be the most entertaining state on the map right now. Between Real Housewives of New Jersey, Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, etc. I'm betting all the residents of NJ would prefer to have The Sopranos to come back. You know, the classy New Jersey show. To all my New Jersey peeps...don't worry...we know it's not an accurate depiction of New Jersey life. But it's someone else's turn to be the butt of jokes. The South is passing on that role to you. You. Are. Welcome.

I am thoroughly devastated that RHONJ is over. It was a cinematic masterpiece....of train wreck TV. What made it so trashy delicious? Danielle. I'm sure she will win all kinds of porn awards emmys this year for best skanky hoochie villian.

As a stay at home mom psychotherapist, it is a diagnostic dream to watch her. I am sure Danielle is used in psychology program case studies all over the world when students are learning to diagnose pure crazy serious mental illnesses. In fact, I'm sure they will have to come up with a new one that will encompass all the crazy into one simple line. It would be something like General Wackadoodle, Complete Crackhead, Needs a Check Up from the Neck Up, Full On Fruitcake with a secondary diagnosis of Broke Hooker.

It amazed me how her reality was COMPLETELY different from EVERYONE ELSE'S. I wondered if she was even there in the room when everything was happening. Perhaps she was a hologram or some kind of Disney Pixar magic instead. That's the only logical explanation I can come up with. Danielle was the master of turning a simple comment about absolutely nothing into a specific death threat or intent to cause bodily harm.

Did you see the women she accused of threatening her? They look like the kind of women who might be able to take you down at a cupcake decorating class or a queso eating contest. The only thing Danielle needs to worry about or to keep an eye on is her Tostitos. I'm pretty sure her children are safe unless they are holding cupcakes.

The thing that really killed me was the reunion show. Danielle sat there playing the part of the victim of all their abuse, when IN REALITY she started the whole thing. After months of her telling lies about the other women and slandering them every chance she got, she acted all innocent when they angrily confronted her about it. She denied everything...even though it is all on film and sex tapes.

She claimed that everyone just misunderstood her blatant threats and vicious insults remarks. She pushed the women to the point where it was impossible for them to contain their rage. People can only take so much before they snap. I'm a generally calm and docile princess....yet I had the overwhelming urge to jump through the TV screen and yank her other hair extensions off her craze balls head myself. (Might have been the HD signal that made me feel like it was a viable possibility.)

And Kim G. *insert shaking head* Lawd have mercy. She tried to pretend to be the the Switzerland of the show, but in reality she was the snooty, holier than thou, spineless, I'm friendly with you only if you can do something for me, two faced) France.

 I have no clue how Danielle managed to get a handful of sheep so many people to believe her and feel sorry for her. Poor liar victim, Danielle. They must have missed some of the know the ones where Danielle opened her mouth.

When Danielle apologized to Jaqueline and Teresa....complete with a full on, lingering molestation hug with Jaqueline...did anyone else roll their eyes and think, "I've heard this lie before!"

I mean seriously, do you know anyone in your life like Danielle who is this out of touch with reality? Yeah, me too. *Insert nervous laughter. Makes eye contact with readers who relate. Updates life insurance policy.*

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Puppy love for Julie and Jaden....

Our pup Brutus Chico has become the official Sarcasm family spokesdog. Why? Because when he is around, no one is paying attention to anything but his sweet little self. <--totally understandable

Chico wants you to all to pray for Jaden's mom, Julie. If you don't know who Jaden and Julie are you must be living in the remote hills of Kapackaraqstan click here.

As if watching your baby go through treatment for cancer was not bad enough......what would you do if your own cancer returned?

Me? Personally? I would crumble like a pillar of salt.

I cannot imagine the immense pain and emotional suffering this family has been through already. It's just not fair. Too much....enough already I say!! <--cancer does not listen to me, but I keep yelling.

Pray for Julie and go show her some love at Supah's place. Jaden needs his mommy. He needs her to be healthy and happy. They deserve for life to be relatively uneventful. I think they've been through enough already....