Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Princess Goes Postal...but forgets her gun

This is day 3 of my return to blogging. Aren’t you all giddy? Today I am hooking up with the meme What I Meant to Say or WIMTS for short. 


My momma taught me to be polite and say nice things with a smile. I very rarely churn the waters when someone annoys me. So this meme is PERFECT for me. Let me set the stage...
I love to shop. No matter what age, shape, size I have been in my life I have always enjoyed the “ching ching” of the cash register.
It all began with the toy store and the candy store and eventually graduated to malls and boutiques. The only exception to this rule is my adult abhoration (is that a word?) for the grocery store and World of Wally. And really, the only thing I TRULY hate about “the mart” has more to do with the other idiot patrons and the traffic.
And now, boys and girls, someone is trying to ruin my love of shopping at the mall. There are terrorists at the mall. I’m not trying to profile anyone, but they are typically foreigners. And before you get all “Princess hates foreigners!” let me tell you that is NOT true.
I adore the following (but not limited to) foreigners:
Hugh Jackman
David Beckham
Prince William
Gerard Butler
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Nelson Mandela
Madonna (Shut. Up. Really?)
Manu Ginobili
Carlos Santana
Colin Firth
Dolce and Gabana
Dolce de Luche (What? Oh. My bad.)
Anyway, you get the point.
So picture this. Princess. At the beach. The Prince and the boys drop her off at the mall and go golfing. Only nine holes. Short period of time. Read: Power shopping.
I am FLYING through the racks of summer sales and shoe departments. I make it through the first department store and head out into the open waters looking for more crack sales.
“Excuse me Miss! Can I have one minute?” says one of the aforementioned foreign terrorists.
I turn as I scurry past and say “I’m so sorry. I’m in a hurry.” WHICH IS TOTALLY THE TRUTH by the way...not that it should matter.
Foreigner holding flat iron in the air, “It will only take one second.” <--Liar. I’m not stupid.
Princess: “No thanks.”
Two steps and BAM!
Foreigner #2: “HEEEEYYYYYY!!!! Remember me?”
Princess: Blank look as I walk away saying, “No thanks” in a firm(ish) tone.
WIMTS: Nooooooo I don’t. And don’t try that stupid flirting stuff. I might be an old lady and you might think you are some young stud, but....
You are not.
You are too short.
You are too young.
Your wallet is too thin.
Your game is weak.
You couldn’t handle it
The Prince would kick your ever lovin’.........
And I do not want your clothes steamer. I can spritz my shirt and throw it in the dryer for 60 seconds just as easy.
Two more steps...
Foreigner #3: “Excuse me. You dropped something.”
Gullible Princess turns and looks. Sees nothing. Clearly confused.
Idiot Foreigner: “It was your smile.”
Princess: Rolls eyes and keeps walking.
Risky Foreigner: “And apparently you dropped your manners too.”
*Princess with steam coming out of her ears* (but says nothing...typical wussy Princess)
WIMTS:  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Every doggone time I go to the mall I am accosted by people trying to peddle their flat iron / Greek hand lotion / nail buffer / clothes steamer / salt scrub / other unwanted retail items. Do you see the people at Ann Taylor stopping me as I walk by asking if I had a minute to look at their trouser socks? You try to stop me ALL. THE. TIME. With kids, without kids, walking fast, walking slow, smiling, scowling, looking away, pretending to text really doesn’t matter. 
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT IS RUDE YOUNG MAN........YOU! When I tell you that I don’t have time. I MEAN IT! <--Apparently they don’t have the “No means No campaign overseas.”
And THAT my friends is why I now enjoy online shopping!


Brittney said...

omg those are the worst they have them at our malls too!! And the salt scrub hand guy around here is a real skeez...ewww!!!

An Imperfect New Momma said...

Bwahahaha!!! You are hysterical woman! And I agree with you those people are annoying. When I walk in my mall I have adapted the "go ahead & piss me off by talking to me" face (also known as my NY face - I used to work in Manhattan and had to develop that face right quick).

Evonne said...

Ooh, I hate those people! Especially during the holidays!

Pretending to text - I love it! That's what I always do!

Oka said...

I think we should all gang up and mail those companies letters, telling them that they have forever lost our business due to RUDE sales tactics.

*LLUVIA* said...

Oh my gosh!! The nail kit people!! They piss me off too!!! I didn't know they were foreigners! LOL

I guess it's because I'm a foreigner myself! Did you ever get the one where they act like they're interested in you and say: "Can I ask you a question?" You nod. "Are those your real nails?" You look at your bitten off sucky nails and nod again. And BOOM! Just like that they try to get you to buy their nail kit by giving you a nail makeover! LOL! I never bought it, but I did keep the pretty nails! xD

They also try to get you to try the hand lotion. Geesh!

I love online shopping and even better when they have no shipping fees!

Brittany Ciara said...

haha, loved it! See I never get attacked by those people because there is ALWAYS someone who got suckered into it. :D

Have a great day and thanks for playing!

singedwingangel said...

OK I am a sucker, BUT in my defense I rarely if EVER buy myself anything. Hubby and I were out for the weekend sans kids and we went to a mall. Something I have done all of maybe 4 times in my entire 20 years here. I did buy the salt scrub but only cause Hubby knows I LOVE cucumber melon and I loved it..LOVED it do you hear me lol. And my guy was not that annoying he was very polite. But had he been yours I would have gone off WIMTS be danged I would have said it period

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Personally? I bet you must be HOT and so they all hit on you...i probably would too...winky wink...

Christy said...

hahahahaha, so true! I hate those people but I just pretend not to hear them and run away!

Andrea said...

hells ya! That is what i wanna say too! They suck. >:/

Heather said...

I am with you. We could form a club. One stopped me the other day with that hair iron thingie. I have FIVE kids with me. I should have said yes just to watch mass destruction ensue!!

Usually when they say, "Can I ask you a question?" I quip, "You just did." I am witty like that.

Sara said...

I used to work at a store right across from one of those flat iron carts. My boss used to make me stand out there in the shark infested waters and try to get people to sample hand lotion. One day, flat iron guy took my lotion to "show me how it's done"..... they are SO ANNOYING!!!

Jessica said...

Oh my gosh. You were meant to read my post today. Just saying.

Meeko Fabulous said...

I put my phone on silent and pretend to be deaf. I don't like to be bothered while I'm trying to enjoy my shopping experience either.

♥Cari♥ said...

They are the very reason I avoid the mall at all costs. If I'm going to one of the dept stores..fine. I can use one of their outside doors. If it requires venturing into the depths of the mall...I send my boyfriend.

purseblogger said...

Ugh, I avoid malls because of them too. They drive me crazy!

Shell said...

Oh, how I hate those people! It cracks me up when they try to stop me when I have all 3 kids with me. I think REALLY? Do you honestly think that I have time to stop?

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

My what some pickup lines! And what a cheese!

MojoMama said...

I even pretended I couldn't speak English once. Unfortunately, he spoke the language I pretended I COULD speak. I think it was German or something. And once you give them one language, you can't skip to another to pretend you didn't speak that other language. They don't fall for that. Then they REALLY get rude.

From Tracie said...

"You dropped your smile"???? That is so lame!

My husband has a bad reaction to those guys, he either gets REALLY RUDE...or REALLY FRIENDLY (which then eats up their sales because he will talk to one of them for thirty minutes out of spite!)

Chief said...

This is why I shop at Wal-mart

you see my pis everywhere on the internetz

SupahMommy said...


i hate em

sammy said...

i cannot stand mall vendors.

ive even had ladies grab MY hand to buff my nails??