Tuesday, August 31, 2010

World Premier....

The Sarcasm Family has an announcement to make....

Is he not the cutest thing EVER?!


You need more proof?

Now try to tell me he's not the cutest puppy ever....

Chico is quite the popular fellow. It's too bad my boys aren't in to girls yet, cuz this little miniature bear is a chick magnet. The dudes dig him too. My poor prince couldn't take a nap on Sunday afternoon for the steady stream of kids coming in to see our little studling. 

The prince is already trying to turn him into a hunting dog. But I think it might be a problem since his legs are barely long enough to run through the grass. I'm guessing tromping through the woods might be an issue. Not to mention, he's easily spooked.

The prince gave him the name "Chico." I felt like I had to give him a strong middle name.....so he wouldn't get beat up on the playground.

Chico has already found himself a cougar. It's a bit of a long distance relationship. But thanks to Skype, he can see his girl Maggie whenever Chief gets her Mac out of her bag he wants.

I'm sure my new little bundle of fur will provide me with blog fodder. So stay tuned to the adventures in potty training.....and lunch dates with my favorite shoes....

Friday, August 27, 2010

Fatty McFatterson

Hey ya'll....I'm back from beautiful Charleston, SC...better known as the fried green tomato, shrimp and grits, okra, and peach cobbler tour. And after my puffy taco, enchilada, and Big Red tour of Texas earlier this month....I AM OFFICIALLY ON A DIET!!

So if you are one of my locals and you see me with anything other than a carrot in my mouth...slap it out of my hand and stomp on it. (But do it real good, I have this five second rule....especially if it's chocolate...and I do NOT have any shame.) It will be jeans season anytime now and I am skurred to put them on. All these free flowing summer dresses are ruining me. Traitors.

I'm sure you are all coming back to my blog today to look for an update about this post. Well, today I am going to see a man about a dog......or better yet....a lady about a puppy. Stay tuned for the conclusion.

Here's my big dilemma....how will I know if this dog is an idiot? I have a hard time getting past the cutesy, tail waggin', puppy kissing, floppy earred adorableness whenever I see a pup. Last time I fell for that crap it was a disaster! No, I'm not talking about Auggie the 20 year old most awesomest wonder dog ever who passed on a couple of years ago. I'm talking about the stray beagle my friend made me come see when I was in grad school.

Oh, how cute he was. (DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!) He had the floppiest of ears...the sweetest of faces...the snuggliest of noses...the fatest little beagle belly ever! (I looked past the infestation of fleas and a gazillion ticks.) We introduced him to Auggie and after a few minutes of butt sniffing, they were fast friends. Soul brothers.

These pics are not of Doc. But they may be his twin brothers. 
Photos via Google Images

It was a blissful life at first (after a thorough bath)....well, except that Doc would steal Auggies food. (See fat dog reference earlier...he had a tyroid problem we later found out....a daily pill helped.) And the fact that Doc would dig out of the backyard despite a physical fence AND an underground fence. (He would yelp the entire time he dug.) There was no keeping this dog in the yard. It was like trying to make a 20 year old hooker into a nun.

There were countless vet bills from his escapades into the dog eat dog (literally) world. There was this one time when we were on vacation and my SIL was dog sitting at our house. He ran away for a few days and came back with a severed urethra. Auggie (the follower) came back with maggots in his wound. (Gag, puke, choke.) We sat in the doggie ER hoping Doggie Social Services would come take him from us. But alas, they found us to be diligent doggie parents. *le sigh*

As much as Doc was a bad mama jamma around the hood....he was also a little scaredy cat. That dog could not stand to be outside in the rain. And if there was the tiniest clap of thunder, you can rest assured he would be at the back door clawing his way in. (Nearly dug a whole in it.)

One day the prince and I were out shopping for baby stuff. A horrible storm came up with terrible thunder and lightening. I just knew Doc was outside in the hurricane waiting (impatiently) for me to let him in. By the time we got home, it was a steady rain but the thunder and lightening had passed. I was surprised not to see his little rain soaked fat body at the door looking up at me with his pitiful little fat face. I figured he had finally given up and gone to lay in the deluxe dog house like our good dog, Auggie.

A short while later, the sun came out. We opened the door and called the dogs. Auggie stepped out of his house with a little stretch and a yawn and slowly walked into the house. Doc was no where to be found. I started to get annoyed as I was calling for him. All I could think was, "That dang dog is off stirring up trouble again!"

But then I heard him. A little whimper. From where? I couldn't find him anywhere in the yard. And then I realized the sound was coming from up above. OH NO! My sweet little annoying dog didn't make it through the storm and now he is an angel! (God was being generous.)

I looked up and there he was...................on our roof. (I'll give you a few seconds to process that.)

Yep. On the roof! The prince had left a ladder leaning against the house. When Doc finally realized no one was going to let him in the house, he did the next most logical thing one would do in a monsoon....he climbed onto the roof!!! But then his fat butt couldn't get back down! So he spent the entire storm on the top of the house.....with no shelter from the storm. That dog was the smartest idiot I've ever known.

Please dear Lord, give me a sign if this puppy is even a smidgen related to Doc. I beg of you.....

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Princess Goes to Chucktown

Ha ha Suckas! Guess where I'm headed? I'm headed to Chucktown with the prince tonight. (That would be Charleston for you non locals. Try to keep up.)
Nana and Papa God bless them are coming to do the kid/school duty. All I have to do is finish packing and I'm outta here! 
*insert happy dance*
AND...I have a new bag to pack from Simply Bags. (Click on the link and browse around for a moment. I'll be right here waiting for you................ Fabulous, right? I know!!)
When Simply Bags contacted me to see if I would be interested in doing a product review in exchange for a bag, I said, "Heck yeah!"....or something like that. I mean, who can't use a bag?! I am always needing something to pack up stuff to go to the lake, the beach, the pool, the ball fields, tailgating, overnight trips to fabulous places, school, *take a deep breath* etc. They asked what color and if I would like it personalized. Duh...pink and Princess of course!
It came in the mail just in time for me to pack it for the lake this weekend. I was surprised how big it was. I fit a change of clothes and shoes for 4 people in it with plenty of extra room left. It has a side pocket for small items and the top zips closed. The rope handle is soft and did not dig into my shoulder like a lot of other bags do. I truly love this bag after one use!

So now I've got it all packed up for my trip to Charleston. Since it's my new favorite bag, I have all of my favorite essential items packed in it...my lovah Macbook, my squishy pillow, my super soft snuggly blanket, my ultra comfortable J. Crew flip flops, and of course....my boa and tiara. 
If you see someone walking around Charleston with a boa and tiara pink striped bag with Princess on the side, be sure to say "Hi!"
Go see all the awesome products Simply Bags has to offer. There are some great gifts for young adults going off to college, teacher gifts, girlfriend gifts, kids gifts, gifts for yourself, princess gifts.....really any kind of gift. Like I said, who can't use an awesome bag?! <--I will be happy to receive another bag if you want to buy me one. No really.....feel free. ;)

Monday, August 23, 2010

Dog Days.....

My boys want a dog.

We had the most awesome dog in the world up until a couple of years ago. We had to put down our sweet dog Auggie two weeks before Christmas. It was heart wrenching. He was 20 years old. He was my absolute life before we had kids.

After Auggie passed, many people asked if we would get another dog. At the time there was no way I could fathom opening my heart to another animal. So we put it off. My kids, on the other hand, did not spend 20 years with him and form the same kind of attachment. They started asking for another dog soon after.

The other night we went to a BBQ joint with some friends. It's was a quaint little restaurant behind an old farmhouse on several acres of land. There were two old labs frolicking lying lifeless in the grass when we pulled up. The boys played with them a few seconds before we doused them in hand sanitizer walked in. After we finished eating, the adults sat and talked while the kids went outside to run around.

I sat and watched my boys running around with those sweet old dogs. (They miraculously came to life when my boys doused in BBQ cologne walked outside.) It was the sweetest thing ever. Boys and dogs. It doesn't get a whole lot more Norman Rockwell than that.

After watching them I feel like I need to put my grief aside and attempt to open up my heart....for my boys sake. I'm sure Auggie would not want them to go through life without that experience of loving a dog as they grow up. So I started looking online for adoptable dogs. Auggie was a rescue mutt and made me a big fan of shelter dogs.

After looking through hundreds of pictures of dogs, I realized I have some specific requests...

  • I need a dog smaller than 100 lbs. I have two growing boys who are destined to be large teenagers. (Their daddy played offensive tackle in college.) I don't need a dog who will eat more than them.
  • I want a dog that does not shed. (Self explanatory.)
  • I would prefer a dog who does not bark all night long. (I like being a good neighbor.)
  • Speaking of being a good neighbor, I would like one who does not root around in my neighbors garbage cans on trash day. 
  • Do they make self cleaning dogs?
OH NO!!! I think what I really want is a CAT! Did I mention I hate don't prefer cats? 

They don't fetch. They decide when they do or don't want to be loved on. Their litter boxes stink to high heavens. They are moody and vindictive. I've never been a fan of cats...except for our cat Miss Kitty when I was a little girl. But I think she was trans-specied. She felt like a dog on the inside. Poor thing. We probably should have sent her to therapy instead of making her eat cat food and play with cat toys. 

What should I do? I am open to suggestions. My boys are waiting....

Friday, August 20, 2010

Fat Girl to the Rescue

I've often wondered why most of my friends are super fit. I mean, what are they doing hanging out with a lazy chubby girl like me? My initial thought was because it:
  • Reminded them why they need to continue to exercise.
  • Made them feel better about themselves.
  • I am their project and they sit around at Zumba class and plan how they are going to "change" me.
  • They need someone at their birthday party that will eat up the left over cake so that there is none left to tempt them.
My Girls
Sorry the pic is so small. I'm having technical difficulties...

I have so many good friends who run daily because they are nuts like it. They run in 5Ks and Mud Runs. They do yoga. They ride their bikes for hours upon miles. They work out with big steroidy dudes named Bo Bo. (Kidding...I have no idea if Bo Bo does steroids. It's just the image I have made up in my mind. I've never seen him....you know, since I don't go to the gym.) They invite me to water aerobics. Uhhh, no thanks ladies. That incorporates two things I hate....exercise AND swim suits!
Today, I realized the real reason I have been befriended by all my fitness queen chicks. I got a call from one of my besties, Serena. 
Serena: "Hey! I need you real quick. Do you have 15 minutes?"
Me: "Of course I do. What's up?" (Thinking she needs to talk a minute and she wants to pick my brain since I am an expert in child and adolescent psychology was a therapist in a former life before children...and she has a daughter in middle school.)
Serena: "My bike has a flat tire. I need you to come get me and take me home."
Me: *feeling guilty that she's exercising while I can't even find the motivation to get in the shower yet* "I'll be right there!"
Obviously I am the only one they can call for such a service. Everyone else is out doing *insert fitness activity here*.
So I'm their emergency plan. Which is not all bad. 
A. I'm needed.
B. I'm valued.
C. I get to be their superhero.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Day Two: I'm not gonna make it...

Today is day 2 of school. But since we parked and walked our boys to their classes on the first day it was day 1 of carpool line otherwise known as pure hell!

Our school is going through some growing pains which means pain in the buttocks CONSTRUCTION! Ugh. The first phase is the loss of one of our two drop off lanes. In the end, it will make our drop off/pick up process safer by getting the car line off the main street and into the parking lot while waiting. But for now it is a cluster...ummm...let's just leave it at cluster.

This morning it took me 20 minutes to get my hellions angels to school. This may not sound like a long time to you, but I live really close to their school. So close that if we have our walkie talkies on the same channel, we can hear them calling students to the car line while sitting in our house. (You have no idea how much restraint it takes for the Prince not to get on the radio and mess with Mrs. Bulldog.)

As annoying as it was for the parents and kids at drop off this morning, it was twice as miserable for my friend Mrs. Bulldog. Girlfriend looked like she was one of those dudes directing airplanes to the gate....except she had cuter shoes.

I might take her a pair of headphones, a safety vest and some glow sticks tomorrow. Though she might appreciate vodka valium a hug more....

Monday, August 16, 2010

Summer Lovin....

In the words of Danny and Sandy....

"Summer lovin', had me a blast.

Summer lovin' happened so fast"

Truer words were never spoken...

*big dramatic sigh*

Goodbye my darling, Summer.  (Kids start school tomorrow.)

Parting is such sweet bitter sorrow.... (Shakespeare was apparently drunk when he wrote "SWEET sorrow")

I shall miss you lazy summer mornings of sleeping in....

Gone are the days of the sun reflecting off the cool waters of the beach, pool, lake....and glistening drinks. (Yes, I am including the reflection off my silver diet coke cans.)

No more late nights playing outside with the boys...catching fire flies and pop flies...playing kickball at dusk.

No more hopping in the truck, traveling with the boys to a new place.

Hello alarm clocks and rushing around in the morning.

Here we come school traffic and homework.

Then right around the corner comes fall sports....with the hustle and bustle of practices and games.

Hurry up, get a bath, get in bed....

And then we do it all over again the next day....until summer comes.

Liva la Summer! Save me a seat for June...preferably one pool, lake, or ocean side...

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Back to School and Big Brother...because those topics obviously go hand in hand.

You guys either do not have a life (totally not judging here) or you are true fans (hoping for this one.) I have made two pitiful "comebacks" this summer only to neglect my blog both times. I had to gather my page view stats for someone and was SHOCKED to see how many people mosey on over even when I am not posting anything. But never fear my fans....er, I mean friends....my kids start back to school next week and I will surely find the time and the annoyances to blog about.

You. Are. Welcome.

But for the time being...I have something I need to express real quick.

Is anyone else utterly and completely annoyed by this couple?!

Rachel may be the single most annoying Big Brother contestant ever. And possibly the most annoying person on reality TV ever. She has played Brendan like a fool using her boobs emotional manipulation to turn him into an idiot. I'm sure his mom is sooooo happy about his relationship with Rachel. It's really hard to believe these two are actual scientists. The fact that they are annoying me more than the Jersey boy who calls himself "Meow Meow" says a lot....

I wish I could be in the room watching Brendan when the show is over and he sees all the things Rachel is saying about him behind his back. Or with Rachel, Brittney, and Monet when they are all talking smack about each other. This season definitely deserves the catty girls award. The only good thing about this season was seeing Jeff and Jordan host the POV contest.

Maybe it's ME that needs to get a life..... <--no comments from the peanut gallery please!