Fatty McFatterson

Hey ya'll....I'm back from beautiful Charleston, SC...better known as the fried green tomato, shrimp and grits, okra, and peach cobbler tour. And after my puffy taco, enchilada, and Big Red tour of Texas earlier this month....I AM OFFICIALLY ON A DIET!!

So if you are one of my locals and you see me with anything other than a carrot in my mouth...slap it out of my hand and stomp on it. (But do it real good, I have this five second rule....especially if it's chocolate...and I do NOT have any shame.) It will be jeans season anytime now and I am skurred to put them on. All these free flowing summer dresses are ruining me. Traitors.

I'm sure you are all coming back to my blog today to look for an update about this post. Well, today I am going to see a man about a dog......or better yet....a lady about a puppy. Stay tuned for the conclusion.

Here's my big dilemma....how will I know if this dog is an idiot? I have a hard time getting past the cutesy, tail waggin', puppy kissing, floppy earred adorableness whenever I see a pup. Last time I fell for that crap it was a disaster! No, I'm not talking about Auggie the 20 year old most awesomest wonder dog ever who passed on a couple of years ago. I'm talking about the stray beagle my friend made me come see when I was in grad school.

Oh, how cute he was. (DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!) He had the floppiest of ears...the sweetest of faces...the snuggliest of noses...the fatest little beagle belly ever! (I looked past the infestation of fleas and a gazillion ticks.) We introduced him to Auggie and after a few minutes of butt sniffing, they were fast friends. Soul brothers.

These pics are not of Doc. But they may be his twin brothers. 

Photos via Google Images

It was a blissful life at first (after a thorough bath)....well, except that Doc would steal Auggies food. (See fat dog reference earlier...he had a tyroid problem we later found out....a daily pill helped.) And the fact that Doc would dig out of the backyard despite a physical fence AND an underground fence. (He would yelp the entire time he dug.) There was no keeping this dog in the yard. It was like trying to make a 20 year old hooker into a nun.

There were countless vet bills from his escapades into the dog eat dog (literally) world. There was this one time when we were on vacation and my SIL was dog sitting at our house. He ran away for a few days and came back with a severed urethra. Auggie (the follower) came back with maggots in his wound. (Gag, puke, choke.) We sat in the doggie ER hoping Doggie Social Services would come take him from us. But alas, they found us to be diligent doggie parents. *le sigh*

As much as Doc was a bad mama jamma around the hood....he was also a little scaredy cat. That dog could not stand to be outside in the rain. And if there was the tiniest clap of thunder, you can rest assured he would be at the back door clawing his way in. (Nearly dug a whole in it.)

One day the prince and I were out shopping for baby stuff. A horrible storm came up with terrible thunder and lightening. I just knew Doc was outside in the hurricane waiting (impatiently) for me to let him in. By the time we got home, it was a steady rain but the thunder and lightening had passed. I was surprised not to see his little rain soaked fat body at the door looking up at me with his pitiful little fat face. I figured he had finally given up and gone to lay in the deluxe dog house like our good dog, Auggie.

A short while later, the sun came out. We opened the door and called the dogs. Auggie stepped out of his house with a little stretch and a yawn and slowly walked into the house. Doc was no where to be found. I started to get annoyed as I was calling for him. All I could think was, "That dang dog is off stirring up trouble again!"

But then I heard him. A little whimper. From where? I couldn't find him anywhere in the yard. And then I realized the sound was coming from up above. OH NO! My sweet little annoying dog didn't make it through the storm and now he is an angel! (God was being generous.)

I looked up and there he was...................on our roof. (I'll give you a few seconds to process that.)

Yep. On the roof! The prince had left a ladder leaning against the house. When Doc finally realized no one was going to let him in the house, he did the next most logical thing one would do in a monsoon....he climbed onto the roof!!! But then his fat butt couldn't get back down! So he spent the entire storm on the top of the house.....with no shelter from the storm. That dog was the smartest idiot I've ever known.

Please dear Lord, give me a sign if this puppy is even a smidgen related to Doc. I beg of you.....