Friday, September 10, 2010

New Jersey Nuts

New Jersey has to be the most entertaining state on the map right now. Between Real Housewives of New Jersey, Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, etc. I'm betting all the residents of NJ would prefer to have The Sopranos to come back. You know, the classy New Jersey show. To all my New Jersey peeps...don't worry...we know it's not an accurate depiction of New Jersey life. But it's someone else's turn to be the butt of jokes. The South is passing on that role to you. You. Are. Welcome.



I am thoroughly devastated that RHONJ is over. It was a cinematic masterpiece....of train wreck TV. What made it so trashy delicious? Danielle. I'm sure she will win all kinds of porn awards emmys this year for best skanky hoochie villian.

As a stay at home mom psychotherapist, it is a diagnostic dream to watch her. I am sure Danielle is used in psychology program case studies all over the world when students are learning to diagnose pure crazy serious mental illnesses. In fact, I'm sure they will have to come up with a new one that will encompass all the crazy into one simple line. It would be something like General Wackadoodle, Complete Crackhead, Needs a Check Up from the Neck Up, Full On Fruitcake with a secondary diagnosis of Broke Hooker.



It amazed me how her reality was COMPLETELY different from EVERYONE ELSE'S. I wondered if she was even there in the room when everything was happening. Perhaps she was a hologram or some kind of Disney Pixar magic instead. That's the only logical explanation I can come up with. Danielle was the master of turning a simple comment about absolutely nothing into a specific death threat or intent to cause bodily harm.

Did you see the women she accused of threatening her? They look like the kind of women who might be able to take you down at a cupcake decorating class or a queso eating contest. The only thing Danielle needs to worry about or to keep an eye on is her Tostitos. I'm pretty sure her children are safe unless they are holding cupcakes.



The thing that really killed me was the reunion show. Danielle sat there playing the part of the victim of all their abuse, when IN REALITY she started the whole thing. After months of her telling lies about the other women and slandering them every chance she got, she acted all innocent when they angrily confronted her about it. She denied everything...even though it is all on film and sex tapes.

She claimed that everyone just misunderstood her blatant threats and vicious insults remarks. She pushed the women to the point where it was impossible for them to contain their rage. People can only take so much before they snap. I'm a generally calm and docile princess....yet I had the overwhelming urge to jump through the TV screen and yank her other hair extensions off her craze balls head myself. (Might have been the HD signal that made me feel like it was a viable possibility.)

And Kim G. *insert shaking head* Lawd have mercy. She tried to pretend to be the the Switzerland of the show, but in reality she was the snooty, holier than thou, spineless, I'm friendly with you only if you can do something for me, two faced) France.




 I have no clue how Danielle managed to get a handful of sheep so many people to believe her and feel sorry for her. Poor liar victim, Danielle. They must have missed some of the episodes....you know the ones where Danielle opened her mouth.

When Danielle apologized to Jaqueline and Teresa....complete with a full on, lingering molestation hug with Jaqueline...did anyone else roll their eyes and think, "I've heard this lie before!"

I mean seriously, do you know anyone in your life like Danielle who is this out of touch with reality? Yeah, me too. *Insert nervous laughter. Makes eye contact with readers who relate. Updates life insurance policy.*


23 comments:

Shell said...

I've never watched this show...but somehow, I was still laughing at this post.

Pamela said...

I'm from NJ but I haven't lived there in over 15 years. I'm kind of glad because these shows really do lay it on thick. I secretly do enjoy Jerseylicious though!

Oka said...

I have no clue what you are talking about, these are really shows???

Casey said...

You are right on with your assessment of Danielle! I heard she is not coming back next year! Woohoo

Kmama said...

I am so bummed that I never watched that show. I watched the first Real Housewives, when they were in CA, but none since then. How come no one told me it was so entertaining?? Was I living in a hole??

Linda in New Mexico said...

OMG, your synopsis of the reunion is too funny. Me too, me too. I didn't want to watch the show but it was one of those things...you know the train wreck is coming but you can't take your eyes off of the engine coming at you. I found your blog because of the lovely serendipity....nuff said. You are spot on about THONJ, but DC, bores me. Not enough Drama Queens, too many beaothes. Thanks for the chuckle. The Olde Bagg

The Blue Zoo said...

Ive never watched it. But Ive heard SO much about it. Im gonna make sure I watch the next season! There will be another season right?

Mommy is in the Bathroom said...

Great review! I'm more of a Jersey Shore fan myself.

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Oh, GAWD. Hilarious. Never seen it but SO KNOW it. I'm a NYer, so the NJ-ish stuff cracks me the eff up. Your post did even more so! :P

Chief said...

OMG

This could so be like Blogland

we should start a show

The REal Housewives of Blogger (or Wordpress)

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Ha! My girlfriends and I are always saying we're the next cast....the Real Housewives of *Insert Podunk Town* We fight over who's which crazy chick and who's the one "normal" ish one. <--I'm totally the normal one.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

And BTW, I already have your character picked out, Chief.....and you are NOT the normal one. You're more of a table flipper....

Jenn said...

Hands down, best post of the month!

We should have our own show. I don't know which one I would be. Maybe the normal one since Chief is the table flipper?

I love you and all of your psychobabble!

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Were you not listening? I AM THE NORMAL ONE!!!

*If any of my IRL friends (Lucy, Peaches, Dolly, Serena, Hugs) chime in and say anything different, don't listen to them.* <--THEY are the crazy ones. <--Why do I feel the strong need to defend myself before anyone says anything?

Dianne said...

I've never watched the show, but the blog was funny! :)

Brittney said...

omg lol i havent seen this but lord have mercy! haha

Tree said...

Hah ha! I'm in Jersey, and I can honestly say...I've never seen any of those shows. LOL But, I've heard they give us a bad name. ;) I'm on both ends though...I'm a GA peach who is now a transplanted Jersey girl.

P.S. I've been told that NONE of those people actually live in NJ... more into NY...don't know how true that is.

Sparkling said...

Can't believe how much TV is dedicated to NJ these days. At least the south is funny. NJ isn't funny. Nothing sweet, charming, cute about it. It's mouthy, mouthy, mouthy. I don't know what happens to people in that state.

Cassie said...

I'm from NJ. I just want everyone to know that the Jersey shore really is one big hot tub of sex and controversy, feel free to come over and get some. Oh and I'd like to thank the South for setting the bar of crazy so low we were happy to set it for new heights.

Daffy said...

Danielle seems strangely familiar. Could she also exist by another name?

Hmmmmmm.....*scratches chin*.....shit...found a hair.....

RicoSwaff said...

I am so relieved to see someone who wrote an article about these NJ "reality" shows mentioned the Sopranos as well. I personally hate those NJ "reality" shows, and despite the fact that I have never been to NJ, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for that state because of the Sopranos.

Adoption of Jane said...

I am totally going to come back and read this tomorrow because i am a reality ho. I just had to make sure y'all ain't tryna ditch me and change all up on me. Shyt just went to visit Supahs page and am totally confused! See what happens when you leave blogland for a summer... everyone ditches ya.. glad your still here going to see where Chief is now! ;) coming back though to do some Reality smack talk in the A.M.... miss ya princess!!

An Imperfect Momma said...

LOL! Love your post and agree. I will miss the craziness that is Danielle.

I used to live in NYC and I knew people like that from NJ (& NY). Not everyone is like that...but a lot of them are.