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Things I Would Never Type

Here goes nothing…

Of Mice and In-laws

Dearest MIL,

  We were all devastated and crushed when your daughter passed away in that tragic car accident two years ago.  We were even more devastated that she had left behind a seven year old.  I imagine it must have been a blow for you having to raise another child after you were already done with both of yours.  But for the love of Pete (who the Hell is Pete, anyway?), just because her mommy died is no excuse to allow her to get away with murder.  There is no need for a ten year old to have a laptop or a cell phone.  I didn’t get any of those things until I was able to pay for them myself.  The over-priced Catholic school she goes to said that every student in her grade level needs to bring a laptop with them?  Maybe it’s time to invest (so to speak) in public education.  There's nothing wrong with it.  Your children are hurt, by the way, when you mention that your grandkid is worth it.  Makes them feel like they weren't worth it.

Back to the whole discipline thing, just because mommy is gone does not mean that there should be no barriers and that she should be allowed to get away with everything because of your guilt.  One of these days, she’s going to grow up and realize that everything doesn’t come on a silver platter and life is going to bitch slap her in the face and give her a very rude awakening.  I’m not saying don’t spoil her, I’m just saying discipline her.  It’s for her own good.  Ever notice how she never acts a fool at my house?  That’s because limits are set, expectations are delineated, and consequences are followed through with… And I don’t have children of my own!  I have a sister I practically helped raise who still fears me more than she fears my mother, a nephew who worships the ground I walk on, and dogs.  Dogs who are more obedient than your precious granddaughter.

 Please don’t set her up for failure.

Of “Friends” and Things

Dear “Friend”,

Asking us all to attend your first “secret” wedding and keep that secret for you for two years so that you could have a church wedding too was pretty messed up of you.  It’s not like you have your own place to put all the presents you’re gonna get (more on that later).  To ask people to keep that kind of secret from both of your families was very unjust and put us all into a terrible situation.  Especially if you yourself, Ms. Bridezilla, aren’t good at keeping a secret.  When you go around thinking your being “sneaky” with your comments when you don’t have a sneaky bone in your body is just a combination for disaster.  The fact that it slipped from my lips, once a member of his family said that they already knew, and I confirmed was inevitable.  Especially soaked in alcohol.  I apologize, I probably should have just said ‘no’.  But I didn’t.  Oh well.  It was a situation doomed to fail from the start.  In all fairness, she had said she already knew so I didn’t think I was divulging anything that wasn’t already known as fact.  Damn me again for being so gullible all the time.  Maybe you should have waited for my ride to get there and maybe none of this would have happened.  LOL!  Passive aggressive attention whore primadonna with a splash of diva, shaken not stirred, extra dirty?  Yes.  I just found a loophole to make myself feel better.

Now that I’m on a roll… Move the Hell out of your parents’ house.  You are a grown ass woman.  Your husband is a grown ass man (so to speak).  There is no reason to be living under mommy and daddy’s roof anymore.  You’re both adults.  Why don’t you try making it on your own?  (Note to MIL: This is what happens when you give kids everything.)  There is no reason why your parents, who are trying to raise your two younger siblings, should be raising you and your husband as well.  There is no reason your mom should get up and make his ass breakfast.  That’s your job.  Screw it, it’s his job too.  When you do (if ever) get your own place, I hope you don't crash and burn because you've never been on your own.  It's actually harder than it looks.

By the way, your husband and soon to be husband again, is completely miserable with you.  He complains to me all the time about how his life sucks and how he doesn’t know why or how he puts up with you.  (Frankly, I don’t know why the rest of us put up with you either… You are Drama with a capital ‘D’.)  He’s actually has the “hots” (for a long time now actually) for your best friend and has confided in me with the whole situation.  He constantly looks at her and thinks “what if?” and “do I have chance?”.  How's that for not being able to keep a secret?

How’s that for stuff I would never post in my own blog?

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