Under Attack

My bedroom is darkish. The only glow is from the screen on my laptop and the TV which is showing some program about Ultimate Fighting. *curse you Spike TV* Something is lurking in the shadows. I can hear it at times. I can feel it as well. I  slap at it, but it alludes me. I turn the lamp on. Don't see anything. Go back to looking at fashion boots on line.....


There it is again!


I freak out....start slapping my arm like crazy...it's a gianormous mosquito baring it's teeth! 

A mutant skeeter.....a mutant vampire skeeter...but not cute like Edward Cullen. Big, ugly, lanky skeeter. *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* I missed it. (How in the world could I have missed it?! It's ENORMOUS!)



Dear Lord, how am I going to be able to sleep now? It will surely eat me in my sleep. I'm all itchy now. I'm scared to turn the lamp off.  I hope I live through the night to blog again. If not, thanks for reading. Please have a party at my funeral. But don't invite the skeeter......

Gooooooooooal!

This is the beginning of my baby son's first scoring drive in soccer...ever. The first season he played his team was full of his 4k buddies playing against kindergartners and a couple of first graders. They did not score a goal the entire season, but had a blast running in circles on the field. He decided to play baseball after that. But this season, he wanted to play both. So here we are....running back and forth from the soccer fields to the baseball fields. But he's having a blast. So that's all that matters. This is from his second soccer game this season. He scored the first two goals of the game. We are so proud of our little Pele....okay, maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but we're still proud.

Hmmmm...someone's head is in my shot.

Badonkadonk in the way...

I didn't take a shot of the ball in the goal. I was too busy cheering for my baby. But I did regain my composure quick enough to catch the chest bump with one of his best buddies.

Lock your girls up....ladykillers on the loose.

The Three Stooges Musketeers Amigos.

Train Wreck TV

This premieres tonight. It's like Junior High on steroids.....

RW/RR Challenge: The Ruins - MTV Shows

Thoughts on Dancing

 My(a), My(a), My(a).........you go girl! You rocked the dance floor. Wow....it's only week 2.


And Demmmmmmmitri....you. are. hot. 


Keep the dimples, but lose the glasses. Hubba hubba...




Don't worry Kelly....I'm still pullin' for ya. But leave the nerves at the casa next week. K? Thnx.


And Donny.....You still got it!!



Goodbye Kathy and Tony....thank goodness it wasn't Maksim and whatsherface! I hope she (whoever she is) does well next week.......*drool*

Post It Note Tuesdays

To make your own Post It's, click here.

☟

Five Things I Could Not Live Without on a Deserted Island

1. MacBook. Cuz I'm all hip like that. Yep, you'll see me in Panera Bread with the free WiFi...eatin' my roast beef turkey sandwich *hold the mayo* with a sticky bun apple on the side...lookin' all cool with my little Mac Apple glowing for all to see. 

Obnoxious, I know, but I love my MacBook. I hope the island has electricity and a wireless router. Cuz if not, I'm going to have to add a gas generator and Alaskan pipeline to my list.


2. My super squishy pillow. I can't sleep without it. It's like an adult wubby. I cuddle and snuggle with it all night. And if the Prince tries to steal it.....

Off with his head! 

Seriously, I had to buy him one too cuz' he realized the super powers mine had and kept trying to snake it. It's so awesome, I've even seen it on TV. (Keep an eye out for it on Private Practice. They use it in their office for their patients.) Previously sold at Bed, Bath, and Beyond...but the new ones don't have the same super luxurious chenille cover. So don't think you're going to run out and get one like mine. Too late! Shoulda got one sooner. And don't try to come to my house and steal mine. We have a doberman. 

*note to self: go buy a doberman*

3. My camera. I mean, how else will I be the paparazzi to the palm trees and cool breeze? I'll be takin' lots of pics of my toes with the sunset in the background. Don't worry. I'll be sure to use my Mac to upload them to facebook and my blog so ya'll can feel like you are right there with me....except NOT. Bahahahahaha....suckas....at home preparing for the cold weather that is lurking around the corner! *insert evil grin*

4. The Prince and the Heirs to the Throne.  

As much as I would enjoy some solitude and time alone, I would miss them like crazy after a few weeks days. Besides, I might need something off a high shelf (yes, my island will have shelves) and the Prince is much better than a step ladder. I'm sure I will also need some hugs and kisses and snuggles and entertainment. Can you play baseball with only 3 players? (I'll be on the lounge chair watching....or takin' pictures.)






5. Jeff Probst....because I might need a babysitter from time to time. Sorry Mom....the but the Probster is bound to have some mad survival skills that may come in handy just in case this doesn't quite turn out to be the island vacation I had in mind. He seems to always have flint in his pocket, access to food, fun trips, spa treatments, helicopters, medical team, etc. I'll bet he plays baseball too. Not to mention....he's easy on the eyes. *wink wink*

This has been another blog post inspired by SupahMommy. If you blog...join in. Click on the link above. Come on.....you know you wanna...

Who's the Bigger Moron in This Story?

Yes, the princess has funny friends.

But she also has stupid friends.

And I mean stupid with the utmost love and respect. I know my friend, "Peaches" is not going to be happy that Lucy is making the blog twice before she makes it once, but I promise you Peaches...as soon as you do something stupid, I will be here to expose you to the world!! *insert winky face*



My friend "Lucy" called me yesterday. Here's a transcript. (Yes, all my conversations are recorded now. Beware! Muahahahahaha!)

Lucy: "You are NOT going to believe the conversation I just had with this IDIOT at INDIRECTV!" (Totally a pseudonym for the real satellite company.)

Princess: Uses counselor skills. Sits quietly. Waits for continuation of story.

Lucy: "So, my receiver is acting up and gets all fuzzy and stuff (technical evaluation of the situation)....which is messing up my Tivo!"

Audible *GASP* from the castle.

Princess: "OMG! Lucy! Whatever will you do if your Tivo is not working? Did you call 911? Did you call the president? Did he issue a federal disaster and send a response team? I hope it's not FEMA."

Lucy: "I know! I'm missing all my shows!"

Princess: (In tears.) "But Lucy! It's premiere week!!! How could this happen?!"

Lucy: "Seriously! (Grey's Anatomy reference for you slow people....or the two people on the planet who don't watch it.) I called Directv the other day and they tried to get me to help them trouble shoot it. I told the tech guy that I was electronically illiterate and I would have to get my husband to call back. Not to mention, the receiver is up high and I'm too short to reach the wires and electronic thingys." (Official technical term.)

Princess: "Yeah, you'd think they'd already have  'Wife is moron. Don't try to troubleshoot with her.' in their notes....."

Lucy: "Exactly. Wait, did you just call me.....? Oh, well, anyway....so my husband (we'll dub him Rip Van Winkle.....cuz the boy goes to sleep at 8:00 pm every night! Not joking.) calls the next day when I'm at work. He does all the trouble shooting stuff and they still can't get it to work. The tech said they would just have to schedule someone to come out to the house and take a look. So Rip (or should we call him Van......or Winkle....? Hmm...decisions, decisions...) tells them that I will have to call them back tomorrow and schedule something on one of my days off."

Princess: "Mmmmhmmmm." (Again, active listening skills at work.)

Lucy: "So I call them in the hopes that they can send someone out before the highly anticipated two hour Grey's Anatomy premiere."

Princess: "Naturally. And since their service center is literally two miles down the road, that should not be a problem."

Lucy: "Well the guy wants to troubleshoot with me over the phone. I tell him we've already wasted spent two waking hours of Rip's life that we'll never get back. I explain the whole story to him. He says, 'I hear you, but we still have to go through the troubleshooting exercise.' I explain again, we've already done that. He INSISTS I have to do it with him now, before he can schedule anyone to come out."

Princess: "Doesn't he see the 'Moron' notation from the time before?!"

Lucy pauses, wonders if I am making fun of her and calling her a name again, but then agrees. "I know! Right? The tech says the only thing he has on his screen is that we will call to schedule a service call."

Princess: "Don't you just love customer service these days."

Lucy: "So I have a bright idea...I tell him since nothing worked when Rip did all the troubleshooting stuff, can't he just ask me all the questions and I'll pretend to do it?"

Princess: "Brilliant!"

Lucy: Surprised that I said something nice and not sarcastic...sits stunned for a couple of minutes....slowly starts breathing again....unsure what to do...continues, "Yeah, he said 'No." So now I'm supposed to wait until Rip calls back and does it all over again! But then I will have to be the one who calls and schedules something because I'm the only one here during the day. It's a vicious cycle."

Stop the cycle of abuse InDirectv!! 

People have important TV watching to be done! Helloooooo....my friend NEEDS to see the season premiere of all her shows! And anyone who has Tivo knows that live TV is not a busy mother's friend.....

Triple F (Funny Friends on Facebook)

"The Princess has funny friends.

They say funny stuff on Facebook.

They make me laugh.

Here is my first Triple F post. It's a recent status update from Ms. Fabulous...

Ms. Fabulous and the nominees for the most dramatic, loudest, tearful meltdowns are........ "Jaden Fabulous" for his performance when denied soda *applause* "Joseph Fabulous" for his performance walking home from school today *applause* "Ms. Fabulous" for her performance as Mommy Dearest........

Be funny on Facebook and you too can end up cut & pasted on my blog. (With names skewed to keep you from telling my victims friends they are on my blog so that they won't ask me to take them off.)"

Reality Junkie

OK.....I admit it. I am a reality TV junkie. I will go ahead and apologize to the Hollywood actors who are out of jobs because of real people on TV.

No...wait...I take that apology back.

Up your game Hollywood! If you want us to watch shows with real actors, give us something good to watch. If your shows are not fresh and innovative, we. are. not. going. to. watch.

I started watching reality with the very first Real World. I was hooked. And now, a gazillion years later, I still watch them...even though most of them are stupid. (What I REALLY like are the Real World challenges! New one starts soon. *gets popcorn*)

But anyway, what I'd really like to talk about today is 

DANCING WITH THE STARS.

I am captivated by the costumes. Did you see Karina's?!? 

F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!!

If I tried to wear that, I would look like Snuffaluffagus. (Who, by the way, is my very favorite Sesame Street character EVER! I love me some Snuffie.)

This year's cast of dancing stars is quite the eclectic group. I roped the Prince into watching the first episode with me (or at least a portion of it) by telling him that Chuck Liddell is dancing. (Kind of like I roped him into taking me to see Bridges of Madison County by telling him it was a Clint Eastwood movie....evil, I know.) But Chuck was terrible....so I think I'll be watching it by me self from now on. *insert sad, lonely face here*

My fave on night one BY FAR was DONNY OSMOND!

I heart, heart, heart Donny Osmond.

The love affair began in the late 70's when I watched (religiously) The Donny & Marie Show.

I had such a crush on Mr. I'm a Little Bit Rock-n-Roll and his purple socks.

I even had the Donny & Marie Barbie play set with the stage. While watching DWTS, I was transformed back into that little girl with a slight overbite and rekindled my Donny Love. That Mormon can move. (Shake it Donny!)

Night two fave.....KELLY OSBOURNE!

I, of course, watched her on The Osbournes. Who couldn't fall in love with their family after that?!? I think their family is precious....in a strange kind of way.

And I've always had a soft spot for Kelly. I think the psychotherapist in me is drawn to the horribly awkward, overly angry, terribly insecure, overweight,  overexposed teenager.

I have always felt for her. But LAST NIGHT....she was transformed. She went from ugly caterpillar to beautiful butterfly! She was amazing.

Ozzy cried, Sharon cried, I cried. The Prince rolled his eyes.

So basically, DWTS is going to be an OzFest for me...minus the drugged out, long haired guy biting the heads off bats....

Anyone else have their favorites? Comments? Arguments? What did you think about Macy Gray and Tom "Delay"? (I'm so clever.) Talk to me Goose. I want to hear your take on it.

Post It Note Tuesdays

I'm participating in SupahMommy's Post It Note Tuesday.

It's fun. 

Try it. 

(click on the post-it above)

Like I did. 

You might meet some new and interesting bloggers....or have to call that friend of yours at the sheriff's department to expedite the restraining order on the new stalker on your blog. Or if you're like me....send a thank you note and flowers to said stalker because you're happy a new person is "following" you.

So anyways....here goes my Post It Note Blog.....

All Hail the Prince

Sunday was the Prince’s birthday. In his honor, I will blog about his awesomeness... 

So on Monday, the Prince decides to go eat lunch with our little Princelets. (Is that even a word...or title? HaHa! Doesn’t matter...my blog, not yours. And we’ve already determined that Mrs. Land’s English rules don’t apply here.) *sticks tongue out* 

Back to the Prince.....who says, “What time is #2 Princelet’s lunch?”


Princess: "Around 10:30." (I KNOW!! Early, right?! I mean....he just ate his chocolate fudge poptart super nutritional breakfast at home.) "Why?"

Prince: “I think I’m going to go eat lunch with the boys.”

Princess: “Oh, well if you’re going to go the school, you HAVE to take your yo-yo!” 

Prince: “Huh? Why?”

Princess: “Cuz when I was hovering helping in his class last week they were learning the letter ‘Y.’ Mrs. Fireball (most awesome kindergarten teacher ever) asked if anyone could yo-yo. P2 gave you up and so now Mrs. Fireball wants you to come show the class.”

Prince: “I don’t have a yo-yo.”

Princess: “Wait right here.” 

Goes to closet and pulls out box of crap she’s been saving but really ought to throw away recycle by giving to Mrs. Fireball for the treat box. 

Let's see here...pens that light up, flashlights that don’t need batteries because they have little wind up thingies, bouncy balls that make all kinds of crazy sounds, super duper paper clips that are way too large to actually be useful, more pens that light up....all emblazoned with business logos....from the box full of leftover trade show giveaways from when my husband went to Orlando and got to meet JoEy FaToNe. *big sigh* 

But I’ll save that story for another day....still not happy about it.

Looking...looking....still looking.....(come rescue me if you stop hearing rummaging noises)....ahhhhhh!  Bingo! Here it is! The yo-yo that lights up! *holds up shiny yo-yo triumphantly in the air*

Prince: “Crap.” 

Takes trusty yo-yo and slips gianormous finger through the tiny string hole. Gives it a whirl. Thud. Ooooops....a bit rusty. 

Princess: “Wow....you’re not that good anymore.”

Gives it a few more whirls. Thud....thud....zip...zip....zip....getting better.....ZING!

Prince: “Oh yeah, baby....just like riding a bike.” *head swells* 

(Actually, it’s permanently swollen. He’s always had waaaay too much confidence for one person.)

Prince: “I got it goin’ on!”

Princess: *rolls eyes* (But secretly admires how talented he is at nearly EVERYTHING.”)

Prince: “Uh huh....that’s right....come to Papa.”

Princess: “How can you pick it up that quick again?”

Prince: “I’m an athlete, baby!”

This is the same thing he told me when I was pissed off amazed that he beat me in Scrabble. 

Flashback to previous conversation in marital history.....

Princess: “How did YOU beat ME in SCRABBLE for crying out loud?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!”

Prince: “I’m an athlete.”

Happy Birthday to my Prince! 


Hmmmm...how come it’s HIS birthday, but I feel like I’M the one who gets the gift? (It may have something to do with the little shopping spree I awarded myself with while looking for a gift for him.) *wink* *wink* 

I love you, baby...swelled up head and all! 

*smooches*

Open Letter to Boston College

 An open letter to Boston College 

Dear Fashion Director for Boston College,

I am curious. Who on earth approved the design for your horribly plain football helmets?

Sir....(assuming you’re a guy....and obviously not a gay one either.....otherwise we would not even be HAVING this discussion), did you  formerly serve as a design intern with the Penn State Athletic Department? 

Were you the one who picked the horrible shade of yellow orange for Tennessee? 

I’m thinking you might have also had something to do with the entire mismanagement of Oregon’s public image....from their hideous uniforms to their stupid mascot name. (For my non football blog friends...they are the Ducks. Yes, you heard right.....DUCKS!  Ooooooh, I fear the ducks. They are soooo scary!)

I have no problem with the rest of Boston College’s look....but why, dear Lord, would you ruin it with helmets the color of baby poop? Just sayin'..........

Signed,

The Princess (who is currently not being sarcastic....she really wants to know!)

Kidz Bop Anecdote

OMG YA'LL!!!!! I was just talking about this on facebook. 

Thanks to my friend Jackie, I have been introduced to the cure for Kidz Bop! 

I no longer have to fight the urge to scratch my eyeballs out of my head when my kids insist on listening to those stupid Kidz Bop sample cd's that some idiot fast food chain decided to include in their kid's meals. *pauses to take breath*

You have to see this. 

And watch to the end. It keeps getting funnier! 

Thanks Jackie! (Oh, and my opthamologist thanks you too.)

Baseball Stole My Children

Baseball stole my children.

I have two boys. When they were little they were super duper snugglers. 

They looooooved their mommy. I was their world. 

They always chose me over the Prince. It mad him sad sometimes. 

They would hold my hand in public and shower me with kisses. 

When they drew pictures in school, they would give them to me. 

They would fight over who got to sit in my lap.

When they fell down and got a boo boo, they would run past their father and come to me for magic kisses. 

When something awesome happened during their day, they would rush home to tell me all about it. 

It was a glorious time. 

The princess was very happy.

Then one day.....the winds shifted and I sensed a change.

They stepped on a baseball diamond. 

They have abandoned me for sweat, dirt, aluminum bats, gatorade, and eye black. 

They have forsaken me for double plays, homeruns, and boiled peanuts. 

Oh yes, I go to every practice and game. But their daddy coaches them. I am out of the loop. 

I sit in the stands and arrange snack schedules, collect money for trophies, plan the end of the season party. 

I stand on the field in danger of foul balls and take a zillion pictures. 

I lather their new gloves in oil and beat them with a hammer. 

I run drills with them in the backyard when the Prince is out of town....none of those things matter to them. 

As much as I love to watch my boys play baseball, it also breaks my heart.

And just when I think my poor heart can’t bear any more pain..........my husband takes them dove hunting.

Boo Hoos and Cheers

I cry often when I see children and teenagers perform. It's a disease I have. 


I'm one of those people who sing and clap and cheer along whenever someone is on stage......whether they are good or not. I keep thinking....that's someone's child up there. 


YOU KNOW...that teenage kid up on stage at church playing his little heart out even though he sings off key and looks horribly uncomfortable.....


I smile, sing, clap, sway.....because that could be my child up there trying something super scary and I would want people to be supportive of him. 


But every once in a while, kids will do something AMAZING! 


The following link made me cry....of course that alone doesn't mean anything. I cry at hallmark commercials and sad movies.......ok, I admit....ANY movie. 


Whatever. Sad, I know......but I am super sensitive. It drives my Prince nuts. 


Check this out. It's good in the beginning, but it gets EVEN BETTER at the end. These little girls make me swell with pride. I cannot believe their talent. They are little rock stars.....to me.


http://blip.tv/play/Ae+9MJOSSA

Here goes nothing.....

The Princess of Sarcasm is thinking about starting a blog...

This is the status update I wish I was brave enough to post on Facebook. 

But then I stop and think....what if people think I’m stupid? (Too late.) 

What if I AM stupid? 

What am I thinking? 

People tell me I am sooo funny and that they visit my facebook page just to see the sarcastic banter. 

What if the only reason I’m funny is because my FRIENDS are funny....and my page is just the vessel? 

But then I think....what if I really AM funny. Not like *insert name of favorite superstar comedian here* funny, but funny enough, funny. 

I often joke, “If they would pay you to facebook, I’d be rich.” But it’s true! (Not because I'm that funny...but because I'm so dedicated to it.) So.......why am I facebooking for free? *insert overinflated ego* 

Is it possible to make money by saying the same (stupid) things I say on facebook? And I’m not talking a lot of money.....just a little here and there. Enough to keep my husband from rolling his eyes and shaking his head every time he walks into the house and sees me making love to my laptop. 

But then I panic again.....I haven’t taken an English class since college....which judging by the wrinkles that scream at me when I look in the mirror....was a loooooong time ago. Long enough to forget enough to make me look stupid. (Recurring theme.) 

Ahhhhh....but wait....apparently you don’t have to know how to spel gud or rite cumpleet sin10sis in the cyber world. Cuz my friends know how I loooooove to use extra letters, symbols and insert *stuff* when I type. 

Mrs. Land didn’t like it when we would use words like “gonna” in our high school term papers.

But I’m not in Mrs. Land’s class anymore, am I? 

Gonna gonna gonna!!!!  

Ha!! Take THAT Mrs. Land! 

(Kidding....I totally looooved Mrs. Land and hope that one day she’ll read my stuff and overlook the horrible grammatical errors that are intended for humor and to make it feel like real conversation and not for the academic board and will like it even though there are multiple errors and horribly long run-on sentences that make people read the sentence several times before they can possibly understand what the heck I’m saying.) 

What the heck WAS I saying? Anyway....

And then I think....what if I don’t have anything to say one day......or for 3 months? Bahahahahahahahah....yeah, I know....like that will ever happen. More like, what if I piss too many people off by saying too much. (Wouldn’t be the first time....won’t be the last.) 

Hmmm....maybe there’s not too much to lose here. After all, I’m already spewing my sarcasm on a daily basis. 

Now....what I really need is someone that will read this and tell me the truth. Think. Think. 

*arms crossed*   *index finger tapping on lip*    *eyes looking up* 

I’d really like to show this to "Lucy." She laughs at EVERYTHING I do or say. (I heart her.) She’s my own little personal Tony Robbins. No doubt....the most encouraging, supportive friend I have EVER had. She would read this and tell me to GO FOR IT! (Even if she fell asleep while reading.) 

No, what I need is someone brutal. 

*resuming thinking stance* 

Ahhhhh! 

*eyes light up*

Kat! She’s my friend who is ALWAYS brutally honest. Whether I ask her to be or not....even if it hurts. Yep....she’s the one. I’m emailing this to her. But I’m also going to stand and watch Lucy read it so I can hear her supportive laughter to counteract the brutual truth from Kat. :) 

****The names in this post have been changed to protect the identity of real people. If you don't like your nickname or if you have a better suggestion, I will consider changing it.****